


50 Things UNCLE Staff Are Not Allowed To Do

by zellieh



Series: Things U.N.C.L.E. Staff Are Not Allowed To Do [1]
Category: Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Genre: Bad Jokes, Banter, Bisexual Character, Bisexuality, Bondage, Character of Color, Co-workers, Consent Issues, Crack, Diplomacy, Documentation, Dubious Consent, Engineers, Exhibitionism, Explosions, Female Characters, Female Friendship, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Girls with Guns, Guns, Heterosexual Character, Heterosexuality, Homosexual Character, Homosexuality, Humor, Jokes, Kink, Light Bondage, Lists, Mad Scientists, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Memo, Mild Kink, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Multi-Culturalism, Multicultural, Office Party, Office Supplies, POV Male Character, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Science, Self-Defense, Sex Positive, Sexual Content, Sexual Harassment, Sexual Humour, Skippy's List, Smuggling, Spies & Secret Agents, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Teamwork, Villains, Voyeurism, Women Being Awesome, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, male characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1966-06-01
Updated: 1966-06-01
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zellieh/pseuds/zellieh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <tt>Recently it has come to my attention that certain staff-members have been deliberately ignoring or mis-interpreting certain rules.  To re-iterate:</tt>
</p>
<p>
  <tt>01.  Whilst I appreciate that 'The Old Man,' 'the old goat,' 'the madman in the attic,' 'Daddy Dearest,' 'Auntie,' and other such epithets are terms of affection when used by my staff, they are <span class="u">not</span> appropriate for use in any official documents, or in any situation where THRUSH might be observing you.</tt>
</p>
<p>
  <tt>02.  It is also <span class="u">inappropriate</span> to comment on anyone's genitalia in any context.  (E.g. 'balls of steel.')  Please remember that many of the staff in the secretarial pool are not native English speakers, and such comments can be confusing and embarrassing.</tt>
</p>
<p>
  <tt>03.  The Ladies' changing rooms are <span class="u">not</span> a legitimate target for staff who are 'practising placing observation technology in THRUSH satraps.'  I don't care how much 'initiative' it shows.</tt>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	50 Things UNCLE Staff Are Not Allowed To Do

**Author's Note:**

> Pure fun, posted to [](http://community.livejournal.com/muncle/profile)[**muncle**](http://community.livejournal.com/muncle/). With thanks to my co-conspirators: [](http://wishfulaces.livejournal.com/profile)[**wishfulaces**](http://wishfulaces.livejournal.com/), [](http://elmyraemilie.livejournal.com/profile)[**elmyraemilie**](http://elmyraemilie.livejournal.com/), [](http://periwinkle27.livejournal.com/profile)[**periwinkle27**](http://periwinkle27.livejournal.com/), and [](http://tatkreiswok.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://tatkreiswok.livejournal.com/)**tatkreiswok**.

`  
**M E M O R A N D U M** `

`To: All Staff, All Sections`

`From: A Waverly, Number One, Section One`

`Date: 01 June 1966 `

 

`THINGS U.N.C.L.E. STAFF ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO`

`Recently it has come to my attention that certain staff-members have been deliberately ignoring or mis-interpreting certain rules. To re-iterate:`

`01. Whilst I appreciate that 'The Old Man,' 'the old goat,' 'the madman in the attic,' 'Daddy Dearest,' 'Auntie,' and other such epithets are terms of affection when used by my staff, they are not appropriate for use in any official documents, or in any situation where THRUSH might be observing you.`

`02. It is also inappropriate to comment on anyone's genitalia in any context. (E.g. 'balls of steel.') Please remember that many of the staff in the secretarial pool are not native English speakers, and such comments can be confusing and embarrassing.`

`03. The Ladies' changing rooms are not a legitimate target for staff who are 'practising placing observation technology in THRUSH satraps.' I don't care how much 'initiative' it shows.`

`04. Nor are the Mens', Miss Dancer. Even if they are 'enemy territory.' `

`05. You are not allowed to tell new female members of staff that sleeping with Mr. Solo is an initiation rite.`

`06. Even if it is.`

`07. Staff are not allowed to leave chocolate, alcohol, flowers, or any kind of gift(s) in any Agents' office, locker, or lab, or any furniture therein. Checking for booby-traps and testing for poison is costing us a fortune. Not to mention the stress on poor Mr. Solo's nerves. `

`08. The above rule also applies to Mr. Kuryakin's office, locker, and lab, and any furniture therein. (Also his briefcase, suitcase(s), toolbox, and toolbelt.)`

`09. Staff who are teaching foriegn languages to other staff should not 'accidentally make mistakes' with certain phrases. Even if they know Mr. Solo will shortly be meeting a lovely Ambassador who is a THRUSH agent. I don't care how funny it was, Mr. Kuryakin - it's unprofessional. `

`10. Research & Development staff are not allowed to test anything 'under real world conditions' without submitting a C51-E2 Plan form at least two weeks in advance, and a N193-12 Permission form in triplicate. You must also obtain prior written consent from everyone involved. Especially if you are putting anything in anyones' food or drink. `

`11. Research & Development staff are not allowed to test anything on themselves, either, even if the substance(s) in question (such as lysergic acid diethylamide, methylenedioxymethamphetamine, benzodiazepine, sodium thiopental, alpha-methyl-phenethylamine, and various cannabinoids) could be 'very useful against enemy agents one day.' `

`12. On the same note, Medical staff are not allowed to sedate Agents unless it is medically necessary, no matter how annoying they are. `

`13. Aphrodisiacs are not to be used recreationally, Mr. Solo. I refuse to believe that every single woman you date is an enemy agent, no matter what Mr. Kuryakin says.`

`14. Truth serum is for use on enemy agents only, Mr. Kuryakin. After that incident with Mr. Solo, eleven female staff asked to be transferred and three tendered their resignations. You have only yourselves to blame if you and your partner have a hard time getting your paperwork done now.`

`15. Please stop playing with the laughing gas. It is not a toy.`

`16. Male staff are asked to refrain from writing names, addresses, telephone numbers, and marks out of ten for various female staff on the walls of the men's toilets.`

`17. Female staff are asked to refrain from writing names, addresses, telephone numbers, and marks out of ten for various male staff on the walls of the women's toilets.`

`18. Staff are reminded that the U.N.C.L.E. has chosen English to be our international language. We will not accept reports written in Farsi, Sanskrit, French, Urdu, Spanish, Portuguese, Hebrew, Russian, Arabic, Esperanto, Italian, Mandarin, Swahili, Kazakh, Cantonese, German, Malay, Hindi, Korean, Amharic, Punjabi, Afrikaans, Ukrainian, Zulu, or any combination thereof.`

`19. Staff are not allowed to requisition uniforms or any other of our disguises in order to attend costume parties.`

`20. Or to perpetrate pranks on innocent members of the public.`

`21. Or on guilty members of the public.`

`22. Or on enemy agents.`

`23. Or on U.N.C.L.E. Agents.`

`24. CF45-R3 Re-imbursement Claim forms should be factual, not fictional. If they are not accompanied by genuine receipts and photographs, they will not be paid. And please stop asking Mr. Jenkins and Miss Petersen to forge these for you.`

`25. You are not allowed to bet on the outcome of missions. This includes: no./type of clothing ruined, no./type of vehicles destroyed, no./type of buildings destroyed, mental stability of enemy agent(s), mental stability of U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s), ease of capture of U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s), type(s) of restraints used on U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s), sexual performance of U.N.C.L.E. Agent(s) with innocents/enemy agents/each other, etc. `

`26. The Medical department have asked me to remind all staff to refrain from ingesting food colouring(s) before urine tests. `

`27. Personnel files are private and confidential. They are not for finding out co-workers' home addresses, phone numbers, and intimate physical measurements. The U.N.C.L.E. is a law-enforcement agency, not a dating agency.`

`28. Staff are also reminded that it is unprofessional to add forged psychological or psychiatric evaluations to personnel files.`

`29. Stop bringing food and drink into the labs, and especially the computer rooms. The equipment is very expensive, and tremendously hard to clean. The next person to spill chilli, coffee, tea, vodka, or anything else over one of the mainframes will have the cost of cleaning and repairs taken out of their salary. `

`30. Modifying office furniture in any way is forbidden. Research and Development will always have the fastest rolling chairs, and we may as well all admit it to ourselves and have done.`

`31. To that end, would whoever borrowed the explosives, jet fuel, and various rockets from Lab Three please return them immediately. I think we can all do without another Incident like the one last Wednesday.`

`31. Should I ever officially discover the name of the Agent who rigged my waste basket to belch each time paper is thrown into it, Mr. Slate, a severe reprimand will be placed in that Agent's file.`

`32. Sleep darts are only to be used on enemy agents, no matter how annoying your partner is. Or how much he is sulking.`

`33. Explosive devices are not toys and should not be played with, so please stop juggling grenades, especially in front of the new staff. I don't care how close you are to beating Delacroix's record.`

`34. Furthermore, it is unprofessional to run a betting pool on how large an explosion Mr. Kuryakin can cause if or when he drops said devices.`

`35. Miniature cameras are for photographing documents, not promising pairs of legs.`

`36. Or photographing the tops of stockings in order to 'research more effective fastening devices, otherwise known as garters.' Let Research handle that, Mr. Kuryakin.`

`37. Research and Development are also responsible for any and all 'research into building a better brassiere,' and they do not need your assistance, Mr. Solo.`

`38. Each agent is assigned a maximum of two pairs of handcuffs. You are not permitted to take more for 'emergencies.'`

`39. And discovering the bed was a four-poster, Mr. Solo, does not count as an 'emergency.'`

`40. Nor does discovering that your date brought her friend, room-mate, brother, sister, or cousin along.`

`41. My conference table is to be used in its prescribed manner, Mr. Solo, not for antics more suited to the bedroom. 'THRUSH must have brainwashed me' is only a believable excuse the first time.`

`42. The U.N.C.L.E. maintains a standard professional dress code. (Please see page 21, paragraph B, subsection iii of the U.N.C.L.E. handbook.) No matter what an agent is required to wear in the field to carry out a mission, he should change into something more appropriate once he has entered our offices. Dressing as a sheik, a bandit, or a refugee from Greenwich Village is not considered appropriate, Mr. Kuryakin.`

`42. To all staff: please be advised that we have perfectly serviceable chairs that we have paid good money to obtain. Please abstain from perching on desks, computer consoles, and any item of furniture not fabricated for your posteriors.`

`43. Mr. Del Floria has asked me to remind U.N.C.L.E. staff not to give articles of clothing that need to be cleaned or altered to him, especially if they contain concealed explosives. `

`44. And please stop asking him for discounted rates. `

`45. Or making jokes about inside leg measurements. `

`46. Staff are not allowed to join any cults. Or start any cults. Even if it is 'a pre-emptive strike against the next megalomaniac who tries to take over the world.' `

`47. You are not allowed to make 'James Bond' jokes. (This includes any and all comments about working alongside or having sexual relations with any Bond girls, James Bond, Ian Fleming, or Sean Connery; especially if made in the presence of British staff.) You are also not allowed to make jokes about 'Matt Helm,' 'I Spy,' and/or 'Our Man Flint.' `

`48. All staff are reminded that they are only allowed to strip-search staff who have had recent contact with enemy agents. 'Recent' means 'within the last forty-eight hours,' not 'within the last twelve months.' Staff do not have the right to demand to be strip-searched, either.`

`49. Staff are not allowed to build stills using U.N.C.L.E. technology. Or THRUSH technology. Or any combination thereof.`

`50. Staff are not under any circumstances allowed to trade U.N.C.L.E. technology for any of the following: bootleg records, bootleg pornography, Kalashnikov AK-47's, cigarettes, alcohol, tanks, sexual favours, or small children.`

`I trust that this list has helped to clarify matters, and that there will be no further incidents. `

` **A. W.**  
`


End file.
